Study Suggests Dangers Surround Adhering to Health Studies

A new study performed by the Institute for Human Health suggests that many health studies might not be as 'healthy' as they claim to be. The study revealed that adhering to just any study, like the recent Johns Hopkins study which made the connection between papaya fruit consumption and joint pain, causes increased paranoia and can lead to a weakened immune system, as well as susceptibility to other diseases and even decreased enjoyment. Roger Malestrom, co-ordinator of the study, notes that the latter effect was not known to primitive and even early modern man, who were not swarmed by health studies like we are today.
"It really is startling irony," continued Malestrom. "All people want from these studies is to improve their health or in some cases to appear informed at dinner parties with friends. Instead, they let the studies get the better of them--they brood, ruminate, and in some cases stew over them. And we at the Institute for Public Care know that all three of these things severely detract from human health."
--After this, Malestrom did a cartwheel and screamed Malestrom Slam! He then tried to grab Joe, our cameraman, into what looked like an aggressive line dance position. After some struggle, Joe threw Malestrom onto the ground, panting and smiling, eyes slits.--

"And that," he said finally, "is what we do here at the institute for Human Health. It's about exploding yourself into the world. I may have been given the name Malestrom, but I don't act like one. I'm an unpredictable bundle of whims and wills. Get used to it. Hehe, See ya later, boys."